Now I'm The Twisted One

In order to show that I don't just make up the craziness that comes my way in the world on online dating, I take screen shots on my phone to share with you, my dear readers.  I usually eventually transfer them to my computer to crop out faces, etc before posting.

Today I'm heading to Orlando for the long weekend to visit a friend.  I crossed the border in Buffalo and for whatever reason was grilled by the border agent like I've never been before.  What's the name of the friend I'm visiting, how long have we known each other, when did I quit working cruiseships, what do I do now, is this my car, can I see the registration, have you booked your return flight....Can I see proof of your return flight?

For the first time ever in all my travels, I didn't print my flight info, just saving it on my phone.  I said I had it on my phone, pulled up the screen shots and handed her my phone.  I said just scroll right to see the second page.  She looked at my phone, asked me a bunch more questions, then finally let me go.

As I glanced at my phone while pulling away, I see that she scrolled past my flight info and the next photo (of hundreds of other shots of either kids dancing or my cat) is of course a Tinder screen shot.

Of course I now look like the freak!

So now that I've been allowed into the USA, assumed kinks and all, I must share with you the latest Tinder "find".

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match . . .

Somewhat recently I actually (for a change) found myself in a (short-lived) relationship.  It was going exceptionally well until it abruptly ended.  In the weeks that followed, as I mulled over the prospects of going back to online dating and tinder, I found myself searching for another way. There has to be another way!

And I decided to try hiring a professional matchmaker.

I checked out her website.  I looked up reviews.  I watched television interviews with her.  I decided to go for it and booked a meeting.

The day of the meeting, I arrived ten minutes early.  I waited twenty minutes past our set meeting time.  And then I realized . . .

I'd been stood up by a professional matchmaker!

Could this be the all-time dating low?

Tinder Peacocks

I've written before about Peacocking - the compulsive need that men have to take off their shirts and pose in front of the mirror and then take a photo for their online dating profile.  There seem to be endless amounts of Peacocks eager to show off for the ladies who may view them online.  I even believed once that I'd found the King of the Peacocks.  But since I began The Tinder Experiment, it seems that men have taken an even greater liking to prancing and Tinder seems to encourage them to be ever more brazen.

And so my dear readers, I have some Tinder Peacocks to introduce you to.  I found these photos (and therefore users - and I suppose potential suitors??) to be shocking.  Please consider that your warning.

And note that where a face was given, they have been altered to protect the shameless.

In case you're looking for a nipple?

You're trying to see what the hoopla under your towel is all about?

This is unlike any interview I've ever been through.

Archie, you're supposed to put your best face forward.

These (oddly wrinkled?) abs are married.

These proportions concern and confuse me.

I'll let John's sales pitch speak for itself.

Andy, whoever told you that this what women want to see LIED.

I am fun, sexy and open minded Tim, but not about this.

(Note that at least Tim did his own photoshop job to save some mystery.)

Such Heavenly radiant rays of light . . . No I'm not interested.

And then there's this guy.

Know Any Good Tall Guys For Me?

I always feel like nothing else could possibly surprise me with online dating.  Then I get a message like this . . .

Heyy how are u?? Did u have any luck on [this site] yet ?? I actually just signed up lol ..really nice hair by the way :) u must be a stylist ...hmm I really hope this doesn't sound too weird and random :S I always wanted to find out if I am bi ..but I am surrounded by homophobes :( specially my family and all my guy friends :S anyways ..I was just wondering if u know any good tall guys for me ?? :S I am sooo sorry if it sounds too random ..I am just asking you kuz u look like ur open minded and don't judge ..not like everyone around ..thanxx alottt

I am an open minded person, but I'm on a dating site to find a man for myself, not for other men!

Not what I'm looking for.

This Is What Over 40 Looks Like

When telling a girl my dating criteria, one of the things I'd said was a man in his 30s.  She convinced me that I should open my search to men in their early 40s as well.  After adjusting the settings on my dating sites, the first over-40 man I went on a date with was Paul.

He said he'd come out to my neighbourhood and meet me after I finished work (I finish later than most people).  He'd texted me about 2 hours before we were set to meet to say he was already in my neighbourhood.  After finishing work, rushing home to clean up, I arrived at the restaurant.  I did a quick peak into the restaurant and bar area but didn't see him, so I sent a text.  I waited about 15 minutes and was about to conclude that I was being stood up, when he finally texted back to say he was at the bar.  (Really?  He'd been sitting inside the whole time but hadn't looked for me or checked his phone yet?  Anyway . . .)

Beforehand, Paul had asked me how dressy the bar we were going to was.  I'd said nicer than a corner pub, but not fancy.  The first thing I noticed about Paul was how he was dressed: ripped jeans and a gray fleece hoodie. Glad I'd been in a rush and didn't have the extra time to put into how dressed up I'd gotten!  Another guy was at the bar and had been talking to Paul.

The three of us spoke for a little bit before the other man excused himself, saying,  "You kids behave".
I nodded, winked and said "Oh, always."

Paul then said "Oh, you know, we'll just have a few drinks then go and fornicate."

(I'll give you a moment to react to that before continuing to read . . . Moment passed.)

Thankfully the other guy spoke for me and said "You don't go throwing around words like fornicate!"  Then to me, "You've got to make this guy work."

I ordered food because I worked through dinner and was hungry.  Conversation with Paul was okay, but a bit awkward because he kept putting his hands on me in ways that I wasn't quite comfortable with yet.  That and he kept looking at his phone.   (Put your phone away fellas!)

After about 15 minutes, he excused himself to go the washroom.  He was gone for quite awhile, then when we returned, he apologized and said he'd had to make a phone call.  (Seriously?)

A few more awkward moments later and my food arrived.  I hadn't even started yet when Paul said he was going to go outside for a smoke.  I must have had a strange look on my face because he asked if that was okay.  The wheels in my head were churning . . . I was positive that I'd asked him in our pre-date chat if he smoked and he'd said no.

So I told him, "Yeah, it's fine, it's just . . . I'm pretty sure you told me that you don't smoke."

"Yeah, uh . . ." Paul started, "I might have said that.  It's just - " and he indicated his drink.

"It's cool, whatever, go ahead."  I told him, thinking that I'd been with him less than an hour before catching him in a lie - not a good sign.

As he put on his coat and walked outside, I thought to myself, maybe he just won't come back.

I ate my dinner.  The server came and I asked her to wrap up the rest.  She took it away and came back.  No sign of Paul.  It had been about 15 minutes since he went outside.  Considering he was smoking by himself and it was freezing outside, maybe he really wasn't coming back.

My server asked if I wanted another drink.

"It's okay, just the bill thanks" I answered.

Her back was to me as she typed into her computer "Are you getting his drinks too?"  She turned back to me, "Where is he anyway?"

I shrugged.  "I think he left?"

She groaned, shook her head, then handed me the bill - with only my food and drink on it.  I told her it was okay, I could get his drinks.

"That is NOT your problem" she told me.  (Thanks girl support!)

I paid my bill, put on my coat and walked out of the restaurant.  No sign of Paul anywhere.  He'd left.

As I got in my car to head back home, I could only shake my head and laugh to myself.  At what point did he decide he'd leave and stick me with his bill - when I caught him in a lie and called him on it?  When I didn't respond to his hands on me?  When I didn't agree that we'd go fornicate?

If this is what over-40 dating looks like, I'm not sure I want to be a part of it.

11 Years Younger or 15 Years Older . . . Decisions, Decisions

Just recently I decided to give a dating site I used to use another try.  I'm quickly remembering why I grew tired of the results from the site.

Tonight when I logged into my account, there were 2 messages waiting for me.

The first, from OlimpMac44 simply read:

Thought you were pretty attractive ................ what are you up to now ?

I clicked to his profile and discovered that he is 22!  Just "looking for a cool chick to hang out with".

So I went back to the inbox to see what Traveller1966 had to say:

"I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavours, a beautiful lady! 
It's very regrettable that I don't fit your dating criteria."

I was curious about why he said he doesn't fit my dating criteria.  His profile said,

"Searching for one great woman, who wants to enrich her life, knows what she is looking for and is not willing to live without emotional and physical harmony. I am a sincere and respectful attached man, who won't cause you any issues with your current life . . . I spend a lot of time thinking about My next travel destination.  Using my mouth to pleasure a woman. Everywhere . . . And just because I might not wish to walk the streets holding hands doesn't mean I don't want to talk."

And right at the top of his profile page?

Traveller1966

Etobicoke, ON.

Married

Maybe I should re-consider the 22 year old.

The Tinder Experiment

Still single.  Still searching.  And again trying to find some humor in the disasters.

Back in the fall, one of our clients at my work got talking to me about being single and dating.  She told me that I had to get the app thing that the girls she works with have.  She couldn't remember the name or many details about it, just that the single girls in their 30s who she works with all use it.  She emailed me the name later in the week - Tinder.

I'd never heard of it before, so I googled it.  The articles I read about it described it as a "hook-up app".  That singles use it to find other people to hook up with.  The repeated use of the term "hook-up" had me extremely wary.  I'm not interested in a hook-up.  I want to date.  I want to find someone worth continuing to date.  But I figured that I've tried everything else, might as well give it a try and see.

You enroll with Tinder using your Facebook account.  Nobody on your Facebook knows that you're using Tinder, but that's how they pull your name, your age, your photos, your contacts and your "likes".  You adjust your settings to what age range and distance you're willing to consider (30-42, 40 km or less).  Then the game begins.

You're shown a photo of a guy, his name and his age.  Depending on the number of photos they've uploaded, you may be able to see up to 6 photos and they may have chosen to write a short message.  If you have any mutual friends or "likes" on Facebook, that will show too.  Then you simply swipe left if you're not interested or swipe right if you are.  Completely superficial?  Absolutely.  But here's what I discovered that I like about it - you can only message with users who have said "like" to you and vice versa - only if there's mutual interest.  No more messages from 18 year olds!  No more messages from overweight 50-year-old Indian men!  For that alone, I decided it was worth continuing the experiment.

Within my first few weeks on Tinder, I went on a couple of dates.  Both were totally fine, nice guys.  But I wasn't really attracted to one and the other wasn't very interesting.  The tinder experience in general however, proved to be very interesting.

Some fascinating/horrifying trends on Tinder:

1.  People do genuinely use it just looking for a hook-up.  Which just makes me think, what is wrong with you that you can't go out in person to find a hook-up?  If I wanted one, that's how I'd get one.  But you can be promised a great time, like from this guy (read his note):

2.  When people aren't happy with their current relationship or want to offer you a "modeling career" Tinder is their answer!

3.  I thought Peacocking was bad on online dating sites.  Tinder brings it to a whole other level.  (I promise to post some great Peacocking samples soon.)  Peacocking is bad enough when the guy has a good body.  But then there are some who you REALLY don't want to see, yet they're showing us what they've got.  And I wonder why they think it could be a good idea.  Like this fellow:

Welcome to Tinder my readers!