Dripping Honey

I haven't been dating at all recently.  I've been busy with other things and honestly don't know when I could have fit in a date if I'd had one.  But I also just haven't been "into it".  I still have complete interest in being in a relationship, but this process of trying to find one?  No interest right now.

However, every now and then I do still log into my online dating accounts.  Maybe my Mr. Right is out there and he's trying to find me! . . . Not this week.

"Humbleprince1975" provided the highlight of potential dating options tonight:

"You're beautiful and deserve 1000 kisses on your thighs all up to no where till you drip honey. Don't mean to sound rude you're just very attractive lol!!!"

Ugh.  Not sure if that was supposed to sound attractive but it's certainly turned me off!

Worth Waiting

Yesterday, on the television show I was watching, one character asked another about how her dating life was going.  When she said she hadn't had much luck, he told her,

"Someone once said, 'Finding love makes the search for it worth it' "

To which she replied,

"Whoever said that hasn't tried internet dating."

A Sinciare Romantik

"jivotno" recently wrote to me.  I don't know where to begin . . . I'll let his photos, profile and message to me speak for himself . . .

He has a variety of photos on his profile, but the "best" ones I've blurred the face for your viewing pleasure.

I'm not sure if I like the velour bathrobe or lounging on the bed shot best.  9(Though another one with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth was also quite appealing.)  Rather than debating too long, I'll move onto his profile . . .

The headline of his profile reads

"hi girls take a look of me :) "

When given a box to write about himself, he wrote

"my hobies are bodybuilding,reading books,watchin moovies,shoping,cooking good food and make parties.travel to foreign countries.i am a romantik person looking for same kinde of a woman.giving a each oter good time and sinciare relatioship"

(And by the way, his career is listed as "personal trainer in jim")

After such a stellar profile, I obviously could not wait to read what this man could have written to me.  He didn't disappoint.

"so hi bella belisima ,my eyes seeing a beautiful woman and my brain sad to me please wright to her a letter ask her for a chance to see at you as man"

After all that, I'm the one with the sad brain.

Daydreaming on the First Date

I went on a date tonight.  I wasn't really excited going into it, because honestly I rarely get excited for any dates anymore.  The disappointment after is harder to take.  But I was kind of hopeful.  There was just something about this guy, I liked the personality that was coming across in his profile, our emails and our texting.  And you know, I've been doing this dating thing for so long now, that I can't help but think that it's got to finally be time for me to find someone.  So maybe tonight was going to be it!

Except it wasn't.

I met him at a pub downtown.  I feel cruel saying this, but my first impression was that I found him less attractive than how I'd interpreted his photos to be.  But you know, looks aren't everything.  If a guy has a great personality, if we have great chemistry, that makes up leaps and bounds for typical good looks.  So, I sat down and stayed positive and open-minded.

The guy didn't do anything wrong.  I feel terrible considering that my disappointment may imply wrong-doing on his part.  He seemed very nice, personable.

As the date went on though, I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere.  Not because of something he said or did, but because of my internal monologue.

I found myself not liking some things he said.  But realized that if I were to tell someone the things I didn't like, it would sound nit-picky.  You don't nit-pick at people you're into.

But even worse, I caught myself a few different times daydreaming instead of truly listening to what he was talking about!  (Often it was his cat.)  If my attention is being lost after an hour and a half, what long term hope of interest is there?

And so the date ended on a friendly but non-committal note.  And as soon as I was driving away, I let myself really admit that I just wasn't into him.  Which meant another failed attempt.

Now I'm fighting again to not let this make me disheartened.

But it is disheartening.

Trying already to pick myself back up and keep on searching, I just completed an application form I'd been sent the other day, for a television dating show.  Seriously.  I'm ready to try just about anything if it means I could just stop searching!

Sexi Queen? Ha

I was just clearing out my dating site inboxes and had to share a couple I'd been hanging onto for this blog.

Awhile back, "jrhappy" wrote:

"Ha"

That's it.  Nothing else.  I suspect that this was intended to be "Hi" which I've said here many times is one of my biggest pet peeves about the dating sites - messages that aren't even messages, just greetings.  Oh "jrhappy" . . . if you can't even spell "Hi" you have bigger problems than looking for a date.  An additional funny note about this guy - his headline on his profile says "Looking for sexy and educated".  If he wants an educated woman, he's going to need to work on that spelling.  H.  I.  Hi.

Meanwhile, "daviddavid2011" wrote:

"with a sexi queen like you... i would like to kiss ur hands :) "

Sexi queen?  Wow.  I guess I should be flattered?  As for the second part of the message, I could be relieved that this guy is tame compared to the countless nasty messages I've received.  But it's kind of weird to me.

All the message stories aside, an update on actually dating . . . I went on a date last night.  Pre-date communication seemed promising.  There's lots to like about this guy.  The date was fine.  He's really nice.  Unfortunately, it was yet another "fine" date.  Maybe I'm asking for too much, but I just want to leave a date feeling excited.

Patronizing and Confusing

I want to share some of the stranger messages that have come through my inbox in the last few days.  Both of these messages were exceptionally long.  I feel a bit bad stating that when usually the problem is that it's not even a message being sent, just a greeting.  I would far prefer a long-winded letter than a "hey" or "what's up".  It's not the length of the messages that was the problem, it's that the contents did nothing to attract me.

"innocent_devill" wrote:

"Heya Smartie Pants! 

I'm taking the time to write you because I think you have something special to offer. Just so you know, you are not reading a copy and paste, and I wanted to get that out of the way. Thing is, I'm sure that a smartie pants such as yourself knows if the man speaking to you brings forth sincerity or not. "

The rest of the message was lost on me because I couldn't get past the double "Smartie Pants" reference.  I don't remember the last time I was called a "Smartie Pants" but I have a feeling it was in grade school and that it was never a term of endearment.  Right now it feels patronizing.

I must share though how "innocent_devill" signed off his letter:

"I hope this letter found you well and I love how you rock your hair girl. "

A sign-off that to me seems like something a "gay best friend" would have said to me in the early 90's.

Yesterday "oncamera" wrote me a long letter.  He basically wrote me a life summary for an opening letter rather than having all that information in his profile.  There was nothing wrote with the bulk of the letter he sent, though nothing peaked my interest either.  Until the end:

"This is my first time on here and be honest you are the first that i write message to; Just wanted to say hi and if u have any Q? you feel free to get back to me and i do my best to answer. You might thing why am up this early is because i was doing editing and trying this out for first time even though i don’t believe in online dating. but its always good to try something new. Hope got make it happen for us to meet and you might become my assistant if u interested. Wish u all the best and God bless."

The terrible grammar speaks for itself, no need to comment there.  But please, let's just re-read the "you might become my assistant if u interested."  Does he want to date me or hire me?  It just confuses me.

The fact that these men wrote such long letters that still are epic failures just leaves me feeling badly for them.

A Serious Rack

Yesterday I started messaging with "wanttoclick".  This guy seemed to have promise.  He's good looking.  He's educated.  Although it's just a profile, he seems to have a fun personality.  (It's amazing how many profiles give ZERO indication of personality.)

We sent a few short messages back and forth with some basic get to know you sort of questions.  The last message I sent last night asked him about what he did his masters in and if he has any plans for the long weekend ahead.

Tonight I received this response:

"I need a serious rack in my face"

Unbelievable.  I guess it shouldn't be unbelievable to me anymore that this is the sort of awful message I get through online dating.  Yet it still baffles me.

As I just explained to my friend I was venting to, it's a tough mental shift to make from "this guy has potential" to "I'm way better than this guy."

I've got to be honest.  I'm pretty pissed off right now.  So I just sent this message:

"I have breasts you probably wouldn't know what to do with.  Writing a disrespectful message, after putting in such minimal effort to get to know me is no way to get anywhere near my chest.

I suggest you change your profile to state what you're really looking for.  Or if you really want that long term relationship, then have enough patience to actually go on a date with someone before talking about racks near your face."

Another guy goes on my "Blocked User" list.

Trying Out A New Site

Friends have suggested to me that perhaps the problem isn't online dating in general, but just the site I've been on.  A couple of friends told me of a site I hadn't heard of before.  I decided to give it a try.

Sadly, so far it hasn't been much better.  I definitely get far fewer irritatingly bad messages.  (I have however on the original site discovered I could change my settings to make users have to message me at least 50 characters - this has helped eliminate the "hey" "how's it goin" "what's up" messages.)  That aside, there have been some things I've found questionable.

Like most of the dating sites, I get sent daily matches.  This new site claims to have some sort of staff robot putting in all sorts of effort into finding me exciting matches.  This is supposed to be based off of two things: questionnaire responses to various personality questions and stated desires.  I've stated that I'm looking for a man, living in Toronto, who is 30-37 years old and straight.  Yet in my first two weeks on the site, I've been suggested a match with two men who are bisexual and one who is gay.  I think me being a woman looking for a straight man is a pretty basic factor.

The site is also supposed to help you limit who you get responses from (within a certain distance, age, etc.)  Yet earlier this week I received a message from "Mexes18" that said:

"Hey there, can I be your Italian lover? ;) lol"

Mexis18 is 22.   It has been a long time since I was 22 . . . Alhough he's straight, so at least we're a match in that sense.

Most bizarre though, I think is an email I was sent from the site itself:

Hey J, We just detected that you're now among the most attractive people on [our site]. We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in [our matchmaking service]. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it's working! To celebrate, we've adjusted your [on site] experience: You'll see more attractive people in your match results.

I'm still not sure what my reaction should be.  I guess it's meant to be some sort of compliment.  But when the site seems to be getting such basic criteria wrong, I'm not sure their judgement of my "hotness" matters.

I Snapped.

This summer I was working out of town for a couple of weeks.  On a few different evenings, I entertained/tortured my friends and co-workers with messages and profiles from frustrating users.

One evening, I checked my online dating account.  I'd received a message from "Mrhockey10".  His photos were good, he seemed like an attractive guy.  His profile was promising - we seemed to have shared interests and to be looking for similar things.  Then I read his message:

"wow. i really want to put my nine incher in you" 

What?  Really?  I mean.  REALLY.

After reading that message to my co-workers, I said how a friend earlier in the week had asked me to just once write to one of these jerks all the things we'd like to say.  My friends thought this would be a brilliant idea.  I was tired.  I was frustrated.  I was encouraged by others.

To Mrhockey10, I wrote:

"Hi, I'm tired of douchebags like you. You bother to write a profile that states you're looking for a long term relationship and children. And then you send a derogatory message (by the way, derogatory means showing a disrespectful attitude). I'm not sure if you are an asshole who lied on his profile in an attempt to appear serious or if you are just completely clueless and misguided about how to find a real woman. Either way, ultimately you will become another bad dating story for me to laugh about with my friends. I'd like to wish you luck in your search but it will likely take more than some luck for you to find a classy woman."

I hit send, then deleted and blocked him.  I'm sure he would have had a wonderfully douchey response for me that I don't care to read.

Maybe I'm creating even worse dating karma for myself.  But I just couldn't help it.  I snapped.

The Latest (not so) Greatest Pick-Up Lines

I turn off the chat features option on the dating sites I'm on.  I prefer to have someone actually view my profile and try to engage in correspondence that takes a tiny bit more effort.  Of course, I still get endless messages in my inbox that simply say "Hi", "Hey" or "How's it goin'".  All which drive me nuts.

Some guys are a bit more, I guess, creative.  (I use creative very generously.)  In that they say more than hi.  But they still just send one sentence.  Most of which still make me cringe.  I guess these would classify as pick-up lines.  Except that they're being sent over a dating site rather than said in person at the bar.

The other day, "nubeginin" wrote to ask me,

"Should we do dinner tonight?"

Not sure whether he's clever and kind of joking or if he's serious and moving way too fast.  At least it wasn't a complete turn off.

Yesterday "Icanfly13" told me,

"you`re a delicious looking woman"

So I guess he wants to have me for dinner.

Then there's another user who said to me,

"I'd take you down roads I've never been."

Which truly just sounds scary to me.

Lesson to the men out there: pick-up lines still don't work.

Thanks for the Invitation

I've been away for a few weeks, working out of town.  It's been a good break from the dating scene.  I did still log into my online account to keep my profile active which meant I've still been getting messages.  Unfortunately, none that are promising.

A couple different times, I entertained the staff where I was working by reading aloud some of the terrible messages I'd received.

Like this one, from "Jellrado":

"wanna invite u to my life. My hands are extended fully out to u. What is your name? My name is Marv. Im looking for the same things in a women such as u in a man. U can relax. I aint married. no kids. no crime drama. Life is short so let make the time to get to know each other. Let connect offline with trading numbers?"

Sorry Jellrado.  I just can't take your message seriously.  And the fact that you state you have "no crime drama" concerns me.

But I appreciate the invitation to your life.  I respectfully decline.

My Dream Man Can Formulate Sentences.

Generally I think I'm pretty understanding and forgiving.  There are constant comments made about people's inability to spell in their online profiles.  Maybe it's the many years I spent abroad, especially working for an English-speaking company that hires most of the employees from countries where English is a second language.  I can understand when a word here or there is misspelled (speaking of which - according to my spell check, that is how you spell misspelled, but I'm having one of those "it looks so wrong" moments).  I am also forgiving of typos.  They happen.

But even this girl has a limit.  I have been sent far too many messages where they are so filled with spelling and grammatical errors that it takes multiple reads of a "sentence" to even understand what the guy is saying.  I don't believe that all of these men who are messaging me are new to speaking English!  And when your grasp of the language is that terrible, wouldn't you take advantage of the little tools on your computer like spell check and grammar check?

Read for example, a message I received from "parx36":

"Hey there!! how is it going? you look preety attractive,elegant and gorgeous woman!! Im [real name], computer enggineer my proffession, Got to say love my job and its challenges,i look at life way i treat my job.To give input about my physical apperance and activities i go through, well im tall, fit built n good looking guy. Im mostly in my gym working out, doing kickboxing or in field playing basketball or baseball. Im not looking to meet a perfect gal , i just wish we share some beautiful moments n have plenty of good times. You would adore ,when you meet me.Lets meet up for something casual a beer n wings in patio or something you suggest. Im up for anything simple as long as we get to know each other n have fun. Drop me message sweety. cheers"


Or from "mandj1234":

"Adventourous guy! I like your prfile ie, travelling and different cultures. I m worried I cannot dance , but would love for to teach me.I would love to adventure the himalays with someone. Are u family oriented?"


Then there's "PATEL4":

"Hi nice girl how r u? i like your tato it's so nice. I hope u are ok. I like your profile. If u like me can we meet I wait for your replay."

 I've read his message over and over and cannot figure out what he means by "tato".  My guess is "tattoo" (I do have a couple tattoos), except that I looked through my profile pictures and you can't see my tattoos in any of them, nor do I mention in my profile that I have tattoos.  So "tato" remains a mystery . . .


Finally, there is "Ouzzy019":

"Hey! if wishes came through, you will be my friend.lol, its beautiful viewing your profile, by just reading your profiles put hope and smiles into my face, because you sounds decent, optimistic, humble, adventurous and outgoing, These are through definition of a true woman. Therefore, I will be glad if you can accept me as your new friend? We can chat anytime soon in the future

How was your day? hope to read from you soon"
 

Bless.  The poor guy seems to be trying so hard to be sweet and romantic, but it's just so darned hard to read!

My dream guy is now Tall, Dark, Handsome and can write a coherent sentence.  Sigh . . .

Mr Classy

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted any stories here.  For my eager readers, I apologize.  I'd been growing weary of dating.  It takes a lot of energy to continually be putting yourself out there, giving your best effort over and over again.  It's also tiring to be always telling yourself that you're a great catch and yet never finding someone great.  Then I had a particularly terrible evening that led to me taking a break from dating for awhile.

Mr_Classy was someone I met online.  We'd messaged handful of times, texted, spoke a couple times and arranged for a date one evening after I finished work.  The day before our date, we were talking on the phone and he asked me what I wanted to do - go out somewhere, just stay in . . . I said go out.  He laughed and said I was quick to give that answer, but it was fine, we'd go out.  I apologized, said I didn't mean to imply anything, but I just thought we should go out somewhere.

The day of our date, I texted him to ask him where I should meet him.  He sent me his address and said to meet him there.  I wrote back that shouldn't we just meet out wherever we were going to go?  He replied back that he wasn't some crazy guy off the internet, but that we could meet up in public.  I told him I wasn't assuming anything and that wasn't what I'd meant.  It was fine, we'd meet by his place.

I was running a little late trying to get to his part of the city from work when he sent me a text.  He apologized, said he was running late from the gym and he'd be out shortly.  I thought, oh okay, so this guy's schedule was kind of tight and it made sense to just pick him up from his place before going out.  Fine.

I pulled up to his house and waited only a couple minutes before he came out.  After we greeted, he asked if I wanted to go for a coffee.  I said sure and then we got in his car and took off.  I was familiar with where we were in terms of the main intersections, but it wasn't an area I'd spent time in, so I didn't know where we would be heading.  A few blocks from his place, he pulled in to a plaza where there were a bunch of shops, a restaurant, a pub, etc.  He turned a corner and then I realized we were in the line for the Tim Hortons Drive Through!  Was this really this guy's idea of a first date?  He ordered some food and a drink, I ordered a small frozen drink.  I offered him some change to pay for my drink but he said it was fine, it was his treat - not that it was anything fancy he said.  Again, really, is this his idea of a quality date?  I don't need to be impressed or wooed, but the lack of any effort was disappointing.

After we had our food via the car window, he asked, "So, do you want to just hang out in the parking lot or should we hang out at my place?"  Fine, we could go to his place.  I wasn't fearful, just disappointed, but hoping that once we sat down somewhere we could chat and save this date from it's unfortunate start.

We get to his house, go to the rec room and set down our things.  I step out to use his washroom.  While I'm in the washroom, he calls to me and asks if I want to watch a movie.  I haven't been dating in this city all that long, but the last place I was living before that, "watch a movie" was always code for "let's fool around".  So I was a bit skeptical.  Again, I was disappointed because even if that wasn't what this guy was getting at, how could I possibly get to know him if we're watching a movie?  It doesn't exactly lead to conversation.  But I give the guy the benefit of the doubt and try to be easy going so I say sure.

He has a small movie selection of not very good movies, most of which I've seen and don't care to see again.  We picked one I hadn't seen, but honestly I didn't really care to watch.  He put the DVD in the player, turned out all the lights, tossed me a blanket and left the room.  He came back a minute later wearing sweatpants and said he "just wanted to get comfortable".  Yet again, I was unimpressed and disappointed in his lack of any attempt to make a good first impression.

I was seated on one end of the couch and he sprawled out on the other end.  I swear that the opening credits had probably barely finished rolling before he asked, "So, are you a cuddler?"

I fought from rolling my eyes. "I can be," I answered.

 "So come on over here," he said.

"I'm okay here," I replied.

Seriously dude?  You're really going to try this?  After calling me out for being paranoid, you are doing exactly what I'd suspected - just trying to make a move on me straight off the bat.

Maybe five minutes had passed before he got up and moved so that he was now leaning right up against me. "Seeing as you won't come to me, I'll come to you," he said, then kissed my cheek.

I was so irritated.  The movie was only minutes in and already it was terrible.  I found myself thinking, am I really going to spend the next two hours of my life at best watching a terrible movie and at worst constantly stopping this guy's advances?

Soon I had my answer, that yes, my time would be spent stopping his advances.  Only minutes after moving right up against me, he turned my head to kiss me.  I let him kiss me once before turning away.  Another minute later, he began kissing my neck and tried to get me to kiss him again.  I pushed him away and sat up straight on the edge of the couch.

"I'm sorry," I said.  "I just think we had different expectations for what would happen tonight."

"What?  It's fine," he replied.  "We can just watch the movie."

"This is awkward," I told him.

"It doesn't have to be awkward," he insisted.  "We don't have to do anything."

I was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm going to go."

"You don't have to go.  Just stay.  It's fine.  We don't have to do anything."

"No," I said back.  "We're looking for different things here.  I don't think there's any way that we can save this situation.  So I'm just going to go . . . Yeah."

I stood up, grabbed my bag and started heading for the door.  He followed.  We said nothing as we walked through the house.  As I walked out the front door, I just said "Sorry . . . but . . . take care."  I don't remember if he said anything.

I had a ridiculous amount of pent up energy.  I was angry, I was on edge, I was frustrated, I was disappointed.

Thankfully a good friend of mine lives only about 5 minutes from where I was.  She picked up her phone when I called and I told her I was on my way.  When she asked how the date went, I answered "Well, I ended it about 45 minutes into it, so that should tell you something!"

My friend had another friend at her place and they were about to go out for ice cream when I'd called.  So I picked the two of them up and we headed to a nearby ice cream shop.  I'd barely finished telling them about the disaster of a date when my phone went off.  Mr_Classy sent me a text message that said:

"9 inches hung.  Too bad you didn't know how to get in it.  Nice knowing ya."

Now I was pissed.  Really?  I mean, REALLY?

I'm not great at being bitchy.  But I had a lot of pent up energy, texting bravery and two girlfriends to egg me on.  So I wrote back to him,

"Look a**hole.  If you'd bothered to read my profile before messaging me, you would have known that trying to f*ck me before having a genuine conversation with me would fail.  I didn't miss out on anything here."

Very quickly, he'd responded.  I did not even read the entire message before deleting it, deleting him from my contacts and blocking him from having any possible way of communicating with me again.  The gist of what I saw in the message said that I could send him the $2 for the smoothie (and he included his postal code) then said that it was fine because he could find another girl who isn't fat, with an ugly face . . . etc.

Now obviously I can't be as horrid as he made me out to be, or he wouldn't have tried so hard to get in my pants.  But you know, if I am that atrocious, imagine what it must have done to his ego to have me turn him down!

I was pretty upset that night and even rather bothered the next day.  It's not that I think there is any validity to anything this guy said.  It just doesn't feel good to be treated so poorly.  And as a friend the next day pointed out to me, it also just leaves you feeling so disappointed that there are people like that out there.  As I said earlier, I was already feeling rather tired of dating.  This evening just took the last bit of energy out of me and I decided to take a break for awhile.

There are many great comebacks that came to me that I could have replied to Mr_Classy.  My favourite is that I considered actually mailing him a $2 coin with a note that said "I hope your ego has recovered from the pity f*ck turning you down."  But ultimately I decided it's best to just let it go.  He's putting enough bad karma out into the world.  My final word on the matter is just that it leaves me with a phenomenally bad dating story - perfect for this venue.

Stay classy, Mr Classy.

Peacocking - Part 2

**Faces have been altered to protect the shameless**

A few weeks ago I wrote about the trend that I have named "Peacocking" - when men feel compelled to take off their shirts, pose in front of their mirror and take self portraits to then put on their dating profiles to attract women.  (Even more odd to me are the ones who are obviously posing topless in a public restroom.  Seriously, who is doing this?)  It reminds me of how a male peacock spreads his feathers to prance in front of the female bird to try to get her attention.  The whole thing makes me confused, often wince and ultimately uncertain of what my reaction is meant to be.

Back in February I went on a date with "orlyporly".  We'd been messaging/texting/talking for a couple of weeks before our date.  I was really nervous for it because I somehow already really liked this guy and we hadn't even met!  Our date was great.  At the end of it, he said that he'd really like to see me again in the week ahead.  I called my girlfriend as soon as I was in the car.  The next day I couldn't stop smiling.  I was giddy!  This guy was great!

In the days that followed our first date, orlyporly became increasingly sexual in his texts to me.  I'm no prude, I can handle some flirtatious innuendo and before our date we had been moderately flirtatious.  But he so quickly had become explicit and I just didn't know what to make of it - considering we hadn't had a first kiss yet, it just seemed to much when he told me how he'd like to make me to ride on his . . . !

But that first date had gone so well!  I thought that maybe he and I just were moving at different paces in our communication.  Perhaps we'd go through an awkward week or so til we had another date and more communication and we'd be more on the same page about how explicit we could be.

Then one afternoon while I'm at work, he's texting me and he's being sexual again.  I feel like that's all he wants to talk about and it's pissing me off.  I change the subject.  He asks me to send him a picture of me he hasn't seen before.  I send one of me all dressed up and looking classy and nice.  Then I tell him it's his turn.

He sent me a photo of him lounged in his living room topless.  He'd actually sent me this photo before.  The first time I saw it, I was actually rather impressed.  But now I was irritated.  I wrote to him that I'd already seen that photo, send something different.

This next photo was of him, wearing a towel slung down low on his hips, while he stood back, staring at the camera giving his best "come hither" look.  Peacock!  There you go!  How does he want me to react to this?

So I made a joke of it.  I wrote, "Do you just have a folder of topless photos?  I don't get it."

He wrote back to me, "Wow.  I love being patronized."

I was a bit taken back.  I hadn't intended to insult him.  I was just teasing.  I thought we were okay with teasing - he'd teased me plenty about being a shorty for example.  So I apologized.

"I didn't mean to be patronizing.  I meant it as light teasing.  I'm sorry if I offended you."


For the next half hour, he didn't respond.  At that time, I decided to write once more.

"I am truly sorry that I have offended you.  It was not my intention and I apologize."


I didn't hear back from orlyporly.

A month or so later, when I was on the dating site, I noticed a little profile shot among the line of profile pics that always line the top of the screen.  I thought it looked like orlyporly - so I clicked on it.  He now had a secondary photo of him posed in track pants, but topless, in front of his mirror, turned sideways and flexing.  I literally looked away from the screen.  Had that photo been on his original profile, I would NEVER have corresponded or gone on a date with him.

I'm looking for a man.  Not a peacock.

I've come across an astounding number of photos recently that I've just had to share.  These are seriously photos taken from actual profiles on the dating site I use.  (Faces have been altered.)

When I look at them, there are so many comments that I could make.  Ultimately, I think the peacocks speak for themselves.

Way Too Much Information

Many people write in their profiles about how they believe that being open and honest is important in a relationship.  Of course it is!  I think so too.  But I also think that complete openness requires a bit of time, a sense of comfort and a level of interest in another person.  Your dating profile is not the place to divulge your dating history.  I think your past is something to be shared after a few dates, as part of a growing sense of intimacy.  It is not a selling factor!  I've recently come across a couple of men who clearly do not get this.

"conklinmonkey2011" sent me a brief message, but his profile did not do anything to intrigue me.

hi my name is [real name] i came to canada 5 years ago to be with my ex who gave birth to my son and stayed with her for 4 years and we decided that we should see other ppl but be active responsible parents in our sons life so i stayed here. i used to trave and build roller coasters from aroun the world now i in stall screens for cineplex oden theathers 
iam not looking for the most gorgious gal in the world it be nice to be treated noce for once looks dont boher me . i help run a charity that helps at risk youth and we teach them a number of things on like set desigh and make up and other things i want to have another kid one day with a great gal and be happy iam unique iam not looking for sex like most of these guys are on here if it happens it happens i just want a cuddle peson and somone i can hold i like every kind of music but jazz well if u intrested to know more contact me and i dont bite lol

I'm glad you don't bite conkinmonkey2011.  You need to something to outweigh your inability to form sentences (I can forgive spelling if he's come to Canada in recent years and I assume English is a second language, but not the near complete lack of punctuation.)

But there are some who have even more to share for a first impression.  Like "dubs12345".

"I am going to be honest here from very first moment guys because I believe in honesty even if it sometimes doesn’t pay off . . . Lots of thinks change in my life since. I am single and leaving in Toronto. That’s correct, I'm new in Toronto. I came here from Europe few months ago. Till then I had a happy life, spouse I share my life with, travel a lot however that change. I split up with my exgirlfriend after 6 years of relation chip. Well, it wasn’t just relation where 2 people see each other few times per week. We used to leave together under one roof for over 6 years which is different. I assume that sometimes isn’t just meant to be and life has some other journeys for us. I become single again for whatever reason. I found it very hard initially and people what did experience similar situation knows what I am talking about. You don’t know what to do with your life, you know nothing, you just count the days, weeks and try to figure out why me, you blame your self, why did happen to me, what have I done wrong etc. Then at the some point you realise that life is still on, and you have to move so I did. I set up new challenges for me. I got that opportunity to come over in Canada for a year /Work&Travel program/. Yes, for a year . . .

Ok, when someone new arrives in Canada or any other new place you have to start from the very beginning. Some people here know what does a mean a new beginning and some people have no idea but that isn’t their faults. You have to start right from the scratch, you have nothing, you have to find the place to live, some work because you need to pay your bills so you can survive, you got to find some friends which is difficult because no one knows you and in my case its even harder due to my busy work schedule, you have to pass your full G licence so you can drive the car etc. It’s been 2 months so far and I did it all apart ……… Btw today is 21 of June for future references lol . . .

What if/? / We find each other and I have to go after my program expires?

Firstly just to clarify few thinks pls. I am not on this site or here in Canada to get married so I can obtain Canadian citizen ship like other people do here. I am happy with my passport lol. Hope I am clear. I don’t need your money because I have that. If you have question what /if? / Then there are other options for me if I want to stay longer. If I stay longer then only because of you /well if we find each other here on this site or somewhere else lol/. If I don’t find you then my next goal is Australia next year . . .


yes, you right, english isnt my native language so pls accept my apology for any gramar mistakes i did lol. i am keep working on my spelling and I will update my profile soon . . . for people who judge me here pls dont do that. you dont know me. i dont do that to you.we are all unique in some way. 

I don’t bite you....."

Oh dubs12345 . . . bless.  You don't need to worry about editting your spelling as much as you need to just edit out the life history!  Reading your profile leaves me feeling more overwhelmed than attracted.  Sorry.

At least he too doesn't bite.

There's No Rest For Success! (at being a jerk)

Last weekend I got a message from "LoveLiveLA".  It just said:

"How sweet???"

That's typically the sort of message that just makes me shake my head, wonder what I'm supposed to do with that and then hit delete.  But this guy's look is totally my type.  I'd seen his profile sometime very recently and had been interested.  But I hadn't responded because honestly I wasn't sure what to say.  Usually I find something that we have in common or something they said in their profile that I find clever that I'll use as a chat starter.  His profile was only a few shorts generic sentences about how he loves his work, enjoys sitting out on a patio and that he likes music, sports, travel and movies.  Then he had (what I'm guessing and hoping is a copied and pasted) LONG essay-like rant that started with "THERE'S NO REST FOR SUCCESS !!!"  I didn't know what to say, so I hadn't written.  But now this very handsome-to-my-liking guy has attempted to start a conversation with me, so I figure, why not.  I wrote back:

"What is? Me or you? :) "

A little cheeky, a little flirty, nothing to really talk about, this I know.  But I still did not think that I remotely set myself up for this response:

"I'm good...I wanna taste you. 69 just let me know. im straight forward and know my type of lady...u look sweet"

Whoa there!  The second full sentence that you write to me is "I wanna taste you"?  This is where I react with a whole lot of head shaking, jaw dropping, complete bafflement.  Instead of just deleting, blocking and pretending this man doesn't exist, I decide to call him out on this.  I replied:


"So this is how you look for a relationship? It's brought you lots of success? Better luck with the next girl!"

 This was after all, a man who's profile had said he was interested in a relationship, wants children and bothered to put up a whole essay about success.

He actually wrote back to me.

"I'm just going with the flow here...*Sorry if I was rude but damn ur beautiful' ~ I apologize take care"

 Not really sure what flow he was going with, but it's not the same one I'm on.  Add another one to the blocked user list.

Craving The Ever Elusive Spark

When talking with some friends about this blog, I've learned that my stories make dating seem horrifying and only nightmare-filled. Ultimately it's that the truly disastrous tales and the most interesting ones to tell, so they're the ones I tell most often.

Dating isn't always a complete disaster. In fact, the actual dates I've been going on are fine. The search can feel like a disaster because you've got to sift through all the boring, creepy, sexual or too-strong men and their messages in order to find the decent men to go on dates with.

In the seven months I've been dating, I've been on probably around 15 or so first dates. Not one has been bad. A couple have been great. It's just that none of them have turned into a relationship.

Last night I went on a first date with "Fullstop". I was even nervous beforehand - a good sign right? Fullstop is a 31 year old media lawyer for a major broadcaster in the city. He is well travelled, well educated and well rounded. He volunteers, he plays sports, he's a classically trained pianist. When we chatted beforehand he seemed friendly, personable and easy going.

We met at a restaurant/bar downtown last night for drinks. Conversation was pretty easy. His sarcasm at times was a little awkward but I went with it - nothing bad or write-off worthy. He seemed interested in my experiences and stories. All in all, a fine date.

But I want more than fine. There was just something missing. Some sort if chemistry that I just can't articulate but you can sense.

At one point as I was looking at him, I thought about how he's a pretty handsome guy but yet I didn't feel drawn to him. I'm not looking to jump into bed with anyone, but shouldn't there be an anticipation of one day I'd really like to just rip someone's clothes off? And shouldn't there be a sense that he too could find me irresistible - even though he's gentleman enough that he's putting off that desire?

When I think of any of the relationships I've had - going even back as far as high school - all but one had some sort of instant attraction (and the one that didn't, there was instant camaraderie that soon changed to attraction). Anyone I've had a relationship with, there was an immediate chemistry that included physical attraction but also had banter, humor and intellectual stimulation.

Sometimes the day after a perfectly fine date (like today) I wonder if I'm being too picky. If my years abroad dating in a different atmosphere has lead me to expect too much instantaneous chemistry. But I don't think so because again, all of my relationships have started that way. And when I talk to friends with long term relationships, most of them had a pretty immediate sense of attraction and chemistry with their partners.

So I'm still searching. Not just for a man to go on a date with, but one who combined with me will make sparks fly.

A First Impression You Can't Take Back

When I get a first message from a new guy I always, in this order: look at their photos, read their profile, read the message they sent.

Back in March, I received a message from "proman33".  He only had one photo on his profile and it was fine - didn't really make a big impression one way or another.  His profile was fairly impressive.  He has a masters degree and works in the medical field.  He listed dance as an interest (as a dancer, I of course liked this).  Above all, he made it clear he's looking for a serious relationship.  His profile headline said "NO GAMES PLEASE, SERIOUS LADIES ONLY" and he said that he "just wants to meet someone that has the same goals and interests".  So, okay, I'm interested to see what this guy had to say to me in his message.

His message said,

"wow you're sexy. i really want to f*ck you right now. no offense intended, just callin' it like it is."

My jaw literally dropped, I was speechless and every other cliche when you're totally thrown off.  Then I was pissed.  This is the message I get from a guy who screams in his profile headline "SERIOUS LADIES ONLY"?  Needless to say, this guy was immediately deleted and then filed into my repertoire of bad online dating stories.

When just recently I saw in my inbox a new message from proman33, I couldn't believe it.  I took a moment to prepare myself for whatever his latest overtly sexual message to me would be.

This time he wrote,

"you're so beautiful and seem really interesting.  i'd like to get to know you better.  hope to hear from you soon."

Um?  What?  proman33, did you forget that you told me you wanted to f*ck me as your first impression?  Apparently!  I'm sorry but that is a first impression that you just can't forget.  And for me, it wasn't a good one.

I made sure to not just delete the message but to block him entirely.  While proman33 makes a good story, he doesn't make a promising dating possibility.

Cancelling Out Your Creativity

Awhile back, I wrote about how I've discovered that people write one introductory message and then use it over and over again.  I know users do this because although I delete a message from my inbox, if the same user messages me again, their previous messages show up along with the new message.

In fairness, the site doesn't save your sent messages for very long, so unless you have a phenomenal memory or keep notes, it is possible that you forget you've messaged someone.  I actually have become rather hesitant to message some users if I know I've viewed their profile before but am uncertain if I actually messaged them.

I've recently gotten second messages from users.  But what has surprised me about these guys is that their original messages appear to have had some semblance of effort put into them.  

Back during the last week of May, "Rohiiitk" wrote,

"Good Afternoon Gorgeous..!
Happy Back 2 Work Mondayzz ... :)
How's your 40c Hot sunshine day coming along beautiful..?
Btw..! You have very beautiful eyes and a splendid smile :)
Any plans for this patio evening!?:)
Ro"

Then more recently, "Rohiiitk" wrote,

"Hey Gorgeous,
Happy Toonie Tuesdayzzz :)
How's your sunshine Tuesday coming along beautiful..?
Btw..! You have very beautiful eyes and a splendid smile :)
Any exciting plans for this patio evening..?;)
Ro"

So it wasn't an exact copy and paste message.  But still close enough.

Meanwhile, back on June 8, "shaneram1" wrote,

"Congratulations !!! You been selected as the most beautiful girl on the this site !!!
Your grand prize is me ! Deal or no deal ??? haha
How is your day so far ?
Take care...."

And then today:

"Congratulations !!! You been selected as the most beautiful girl on the this site !!!
Your grand prize is me ! Deal or no deal ??? haha
How was your weekend ?
Take care..."

They are really cheesy, but there was some effort made.  But any points I could possibly give these guys for their original effort was completely cancelled out by reusing their message again.

In Love With My Profile

Most often, the online dating process is frustrating because of a lack of interest from suitable men or from men who are expressing interest by simply writing "Hi", "How's it going" or "Beautiful".  So I guess I should be grateful for the exceptions to that.  In the last few days, I've gotten messages from two different men who are the extreme opposite.  Based on their messages they are completely enthralled by me simply from my profile.

"tiergarten" sent me this message yesterday:

Hi,

I was in shock when your picture first showed up on my new [dating] page. After reading your profile, I knew I had to get to know you. 

Now, since I think you must be getting lots of messages on here, I am not nearly expecting a reply. 

But I thought you should know that even if only a fraction of what you said is true, the world around you (as far as I'm concerned) is a much better and lovelier place because of someone like you.

[his real name]


"correo07" wrote a few days ago:

hey gorgeous..... i look at photos straight in the eye ball, and got mesmerized like a spell. Your profile, haha...., my instincts tell me you are the one...I already love you before meeting. So i wonder what does it takes to 
be with you?? is is a mountain or sea? well i will cross that....Hit me back and lets get this going.....

Okay, I guess it's nice . . . but really?  In love before meeting?  I want to find love, but I'd like someone to fall in love with me, not just some words on their computer screen.  And I mean, I know I'm a good catch, but I'm human.  Any real relationship would be built on love, knowing the other's flaws.  When I get such strong messages, I feel like I've been put on an impossible pedestal that I just don't want to be on.

Would It Be Faux Pas?

A friend of mine shared this on their Facebook wall.

Would it be completely terrible if I sent it to whodatt1977?

Probably too soon.

You're joking . . . Right ?

A few weeks ago I began messaging with "whodatt1977".  It went through the usual stages of messaging through the dating site, then texting and talking on the phone.  Except that this time it seemed different.

It wasn't until talking with whodatt1977 that I was able to articulate something I've been missing in so many of the men that I've been dating.  I want to be challenged.  I want to be respected, but I want to feel challenged.  From the start, that's what it was like with this guy.  He was opinionated and vocal but respectful.  I felt like my boundaries would be pushed yet he seemed to care about my comfort zone.

There were many things that I admired about whodatt1977.  He's a social worker, working with adults who are both addicts and mentally ill.  He's going back to school in the fall to get his masters to specialize in working with disadvantaged youth.  He used to play semi-professional sports.  While he's very athletic and a total gym nut, he loves music and enjoys going to see musical theatre.

We were looking for the same things: to get out of the dating scene and into a long term relationship.  He'd like to get married and is very open to having kids down the road.  Excellent to know, because when that's what I want in my future, I don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want that.

But above all, I just liked how this guy communicated with me.  I liked that he wasn't pushy while still firm in his views.  He was flirtatious - even explicit at times.  This is how I really knew I was into this guy - I wasn't put off by it!  Because it was in the context of getting to know me and showing genuine interest in me.

We were set to go on a date on a Sunday.  For the first time in months, I was super excited for a date.  I really liked this guy before even meeting him.  He too often said things to me like, "I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I really think we're going to hit it off."  Could this be the guy who would get me off the the dating scene? . . .

The Friday before our date, we were talking and texting all evening.  I was up really late talking with him.  Saturday morning, I was up early to teach a class.  As I was rushing to get out the door, he started messaging me and it's still all great stuff.  We were messaging right until I went into teach and said we'd talk later.  While I teach, I turn my phone into airplane mode.  As soon as my class was done, not even quite an hour later, I turned my phone back on.  It immediately goes off - he's already messaging me which has me smiling.

His message said, "You're not going to believe this.  My ex just told me she's pregnant and it's mine." 

Um . . . what?

I wrote back, "Are you serious?", thinking that perhaps this was just a really off-coloured joke to get me going or test me somehow.

He replied, "Yes.  I am in shock.  We hooked up 1 time in March and now this.  Going over now to figure this out."

I was absolutely floored.  As I drove back home, I was literally laughing out loud but in a I-dont-know-how-to-react kind of way.  I felt like I wanted to cry, but the whole situation was so ridiculous, so shocking and so just absolutely my kind of dating luck . . .

Fighting for Optimism

I've been struggling this week after another dating disappointment.  I'll need a few more days before I can tell the story light-heartedly enough for this blog.

I've had some catch-up chats with a couple of my girlfriends this week who are also single and searching.  Seems it's not just me that is struggling to not let these set-backs and disappointments get to me.  Minor comfort that we're not alone in being alone!

I saw this on a man's profile today and it made me smile:


-------!!!------- Put this on your
-------!!!------- profile if you
---!!!!!!!!!!!--- Know of someone
-------!!!------- That died while
-------!!!------- waiting for their
-------!!!------- perfect match
-------!!!------- online.


I hope it doesn't go that far for me!

Clean My Toilet and Give Me Money!

I've seriously started to worry that by starting this blog I'm asking for bad dating karma to come my way.  To put it bluntly: some crazy sh*t has gone down in the last week.  It'll take a few entries to tell it all.

I have had some strange first messages.  I've also had out-and-out-piss-me-off first messages - like the man last winter who asked if he could pay me to piss on him.  Seriously.  And this was on an online site that is supposed to be for singles who are serious about settling down.

But then there is one that I got this last week and I don't know what to make of it.  Maybe I'm just much more sheltered and close-minded than I thought.

His message simply said:

"I'm looking for something different here on POF but it's totally platonic - I was wondering if you'd be into checking out my profile and letting me know what you think?"

So I checked out his profile.  I've condensed it below:


"What I'm specifically looking for:
Basically it's a variation on the dominatrix thing (google the term "Financial Domination" . . .)  Final FYI: This is all I do; all I've ever done for a relationship - from scrubbing their toilet clean to working and turning the earnings over to them (dependent on degree) - it's a lifestyle choice for me.

Financial servitude definition snipet:

Financial slavery is . . . about wanting to please a Woman, about adoring Her, wanting to spoil Her, make Her life easier, serving Her, without your needs coloring your service . . . Tributes, donations, sacrifices, are a part of showing your devotion, your obedience . . . it completes you to know that your Mistress lives well...

Service Oriented Submission abstract:

Basically being a domestic. Scrubbing their bathroom and cleaning their toilet while they relax and enjoy themselves with their real friends while their servant takes care of the mundane things like that."

Like any woman, I could think - awesome, this guy will give me money and clean my house while I relax!  But there's just something too bizarre about the whole thing to me.  Adding to this is the fact that quite honestly, the guy's photo looks kind of sketchy to begin with - and that was before I read the profile!  We don't even live in the same city, so I'm not sure how he thinks this would work, though I guess if he has money to throw my way he'd find the financial means to get to me!

I do wonder how my profile saying that I'm looking for a serious relationship, want kids and hope to get married someday results in offers like this one.

Peacocking

There is something about online dating that makes men feel the need to take off their shirts and pose in front of their mirror.

When I view profiles on dating sites, there are a few things (specifically when it comes to user's photos) that immediately make me click to something else in my browser.  One of these things are the topless photos or the showing off my muscles in my own mirror photos.

It is truly baffling to me just how many men take these photos.  Sometimes I've corresponded with a man who didn't have a photo like that on their profile, but within the conversation via text they would be sending me photos like that.  I honestly never know how to respond.

It reminds me of a peacock.  The male spreads his feathers and prances around to get the female's attention.  Except it just makes me feel uncomfortable!  What reaction are they looking for from me?

Also, as I was saying to one of my girlfriends the other day, I'm a 31 year old woman.  I have seen naked men before.  I can tell when you are clothed if you have a good body!  So why all the posing?

One user (the first pictured below) wrote in his profile, "If a female can take a self-photo or a mirror photo, then so can a man. It's part of being confident in who you are."  Are women doing this too?  Should I be stripping down and posing in front of my mirror in order to find a husband?  Am I non-confident and unsexy unless I do that?

Below are actual pictures from users on one of the sites where I have a profile.  Faces have been blurred out to protect the shameless.  Enjoy the prancing!

OMG u r tooo intense,,,

Maybe I'm over-reacting.  But some men's messages actually make me nervous.  They can be so intense!  If they are this intense based on a profile on a website, what would they be like if they actually met me and discovered I do in fact look like my pictures and that my personality is even better in person?  I feel like I'd need restraining orders!

In the last week, I got a message from "Peteranswers".

"Hi there,
OMG u r sooo sexy,,,
I’m a normal guy try to find beautiful girl ,Fun and easygoing male, looking for fun 
and easygoing female.Enjoy being around people who like to laugh and have a positive
I love all kind of music, can understand people and I can listen very well

I would like to hear from you :)"

Even if I found him irresistibly handsome (which I don't), or if I were intrigued by the personality he showed in his profile (which I wasn't), or if I could get past the atrocious grammar and the 13-year-old-like statement "OMG u r sooo sexy,,," (which I can't!) there is a clear-cut obvious mis-match about us.  In the list of basic facts that the site has you complete, under "Do You Want Children?" mine clearly states "Wants Children".  His says "Does Not Want Children".  No need to pursue anything.  Deleted message.

Last night, I received this message:

"if i said to u i like what u write in ur profile (nothing)
if i said i would like to see u (nothing)
if i said i love ur pic (nothing)
if i said i feel something deferent when I saw ur pics (nothing)
if I said I hope to be ur man (nothing)
I cant describe what I feel or what I need to say , just I wanna see u when I read ur word I feel myself with u,,,

Have a wonderful life"

I haven't had to block too many users, but I decided to block Peteranswers.  He's far too intense for me.

Too Little / Too Much

I'm sure that the more posts I write the more I may seem to contradict myself.  I'm not into men being overtly sexual, yet I'm looking for sexual chemistry.  I want someone to be interested in me for more than how I look, yet I'm looking to be physically attracted to them.  I want a message with some thought and effort, but please don't lay it on too thick.

I want to share two extremely different messages I've received in recent days that go along with that last contradictory statement I made above.

Last week I received a message from "daviddavid2011".  His profile had all of 6 sentences in it - if you count "UMMMMMMM..." as a sentence.  His message to me said:

"i m interested"

Thanks.  Good to know.  Unfortunately you have given me nothing to feel the same.

On the other end of things, is "powellandperalta".  Two weeks ago, he sent me this message:

"Good afternoon!

Ran across this profile... again...couldn't help but say hi.... again!!"  [I'd like to note that I don't recall the first message]   "Something about that smile, that face....I'd really love to know more about you, see what you're all about. 

Have a wonderful day, take care, hope we can talk sometime. 

xo
ciao
bella"

There was nothing wrong with that message.  I just hadn't written back because there wasn't anything about his profile that interested me.  Then today I received this message from him:

"Good morning again...

I know i already messaged...but every time i pass bye your profile or run into it.. I can't not look, and I can't not want to message. 

There is something so genuine and sweet about the look in your face and your smile that I am drawn to tell you again. You're so beautiful, you're close, you're a water sign, you have kids too, you have style which i love, and so on. 

Anyhow, I know you didn't respond the first time so I'll keep this short and sweet...like you i suspect. (i'm just a tad under 5.9, so i'm hobbitish for a dude too. hehe. 

Have a wonderful day.  take care.  would be nice to hear from you. 

[his real name]
xo"

First of all,  Mr. powellandperalta, for all the times you've come across my profile, you haven't read it correctly.  I do not have children.  Also, we live in different cities, so we're not that close.  I appreciate that you're interested in me, but it's just too much based on far too little!  Honestly, your intense interest in me based solely on an online profile, makes me uncomfortable.

Now I'll go check my inbox and hopefully find a message somewhere between those extremes.