OMG u r tooo intense,,,

Maybe I'm over-reacting.  But some men's messages actually make me nervous.  They can be so intense!  If they are this intense based on a profile on a website, what would they be like if they actually met me and discovered I do in fact look like my pictures and that my personality is even better in person?  I feel like I'd need restraining orders!

In the last week, I got a message from "Peteranswers".

"Hi there,
OMG u r sooo sexy,,,
I’m a normal guy try to find beautiful girl ,Fun and easygoing male, looking for fun 
and easygoing female.Enjoy being around people who like to laugh and have a positive
I love all kind of music, can understand people and I can listen very well

I would like to hear from you :)"

Even if I found him irresistibly handsome (which I don't), or if I were intrigued by the personality he showed in his profile (which I wasn't), or if I could get past the atrocious grammar and the 13-year-old-like statement "OMG u r sooo sexy,,," (which I can't!) there is a clear-cut obvious mis-match about us.  In the list of basic facts that the site has you complete, under "Do You Want Children?" mine clearly states "Wants Children".  His says "Does Not Want Children".  No need to pursue anything.  Deleted message.

Last night, I received this message:

"if i said to u i like what u write in ur profile (nothing)
if i said i would like to see u (nothing)
if i said i love ur pic (nothing)
if i said i feel something deferent when I saw ur pics (nothing)
if I said I hope to be ur man (nothing)
I cant describe what I feel or what I need to say , just I wanna see u when I read ur word I feel myself with u,,,

Have a wonderful life"

I haven't had to block too many users, but I decided to block Peteranswers.  He's far too intense for me.

Too Little / Too Much

I'm sure that the more posts I write the more I may seem to contradict myself.  I'm not into men being overtly sexual, yet I'm looking for sexual chemistry.  I want someone to be interested in me for more than how I look, yet I'm looking to be physically attracted to them.  I want a message with some thought and effort, but please don't lay it on too thick.

I want to share two extremely different messages I've received in recent days that go along with that last contradictory statement I made above.

Last week I received a message from "daviddavid2011".  His profile had all of 6 sentences in it - if you count "UMMMMMMM..." as a sentence.  His message to me said:

"i m interested"

Thanks.  Good to know.  Unfortunately you have given me nothing to feel the same.

On the other end of things, is "powellandperalta".  Two weeks ago, he sent me this message:

"Good afternoon!

Ran across this profile... again...couldn't help but say hi.... again!!"  [I'd like to note that I don't recall the first message]   "Something about that smile, that face....I'd really love to know more about you, see what you're all about. 

Have a wonderful day, take care, hope we can talk sometime. 

xo
ciao
bella"

There was nothing wrong with that message.  I just hadn't written back because there wasn't anything about his profile that interested me.  Then today I received this message from him:

"Good morning again...

I know i already messaged...but every time i pass bye your profile or run into it.. I can't not look, and I can't not want to message. 

There is something so genuine and sweet about the look in your face and your smile that I am drawn to tell you again. You're so beautiful, you're close, you're a water sign, you have kids too, you have style which i love, and so on. 

Anyhow, I know you didn't respond the first time so I'll keep this short and sweet...like you i suspect. (i'm just a tad under 5.9, so i'm hobbitish for a dude too. hehe. 

Have a wonderful day.  take care.  would be nice to hear from you. 

[his real name]
xo"

First of all,  Mr. powellandperalta, for all the times you've come across my profile, you haven't read it correctly.  I do not have children.  Also, we live in different cities, so we're not that close.  I appreciate that you're interested in me, but it's just too much based on far too little!  Honestly, your intense interest in me based solely on an online profile, makes me uncomfortable.

Now I'll go check my inbox and hopefully find a message somewhere between those extremes.

Copy and Paste Your Pick-Up Line Here.

I know that it can be difficult or awkward to strike up a conversation with a stranger.  It's definitely a part of online dating that feels somewhat forced.  But you've got to do it sometime or you won't meet anyone right?

Probably if I were to go back and read the various initial messages I've sent there would be similarities between them - reoccurring questions I've asked and that sort of thing.  But I always write each message and try to make reference to the person's profile to show I've actually looked at who they are.

I've discovered that some people have a standard message that they use every time.  In fact, I'm convinced they literally cut and paste the message.  How do I know this?

Back in February, I got a message from "D_tiger".  He wrote:

"Some people are cute. And I get that. But u are SUPER cute! :)
Hi, how r u?"

The message was fine.  There was nothing particularly wrong with his profile.  I just wasn't interested.  I would have thought nothing of him after that except that three times since February I've gotten messages from him and each time it has said:

"Some people are cute. And I get that. But u are SUPER cute! :)
Hi, how r u?"

When you delete a message on the site, you can't see it anymore, but it is still saved somewhere.  Each time I've gotten the latest repeat message, it appears in a list with the previous messages and dates above it.  So I can clearly see he's sent the same message again and again . . . though apparently he hasn't noticed this . . .

At least D_tiger seems to have forgotten messaging me multiple times over the course of a few months.  "tmlfan3" seems to have an even shorter memory.  On May 6 he sent me this message:

"Hi there, I came across your profile and want to get to know you better :) You seem interesting. Wanna chat on MSN?! Hope to talk soon! :)"

Then on May 16:

"Hi there, I came across your profile and want to get to know you better :) You seem interesting. Wanna chat on MSN?! Hope to talk soon! :)"

And again today:

"Hi there, I came across your profile and want to get to know you better :) You seem interesting. Wanna chat on MSN?! Hope to talk soon! :)"

Then there's "to_guyyy" who clearly has the least self-awareness about his repetitiveness.  On May 14:

Hello. You look adorable. Can we talk? :)

Then on May 23, 1:00AM:

"Hello there. You look adorable and cute :) Can we talk?"

At least he added "there" and I'm also cute now . . . He wanted to talk to me so badly that only later that day (May 23, 4:12PM) he also sent:

"Hi there. You look adorable and cute :) can we talk?"

Maybe it's time these guys tried new messages.

Knockers and Surprises

It is shocking (to me anyway) how sexually forward people will be.  I am no prude - far from it.  But when you don't know someone it just seems unnatural, unwelcome and unwarranted.  Somewhere out there must be women who it works for because there are plenty of men who are using these tactics.  I have some quite shocking stories from the past that I'll save for another post.  For tonight, I want to share a couple of more recent messages.

Earlier today I came across the profile for "signorestud".  He had a cute photo and what I thought was a clever little blurb in his profile:

"So I dated a girl for a few years and then decided to do the "pea" test. I placed a frozen grean pea under her mattress to see if she would have an uncomfortable sleep. In the morning she woke up refreshed and I knew right then and there that I hadn't found my princess just yet. So, here I am, on a dating site, looking for my princess. Could it be YOU?"

I decided to send a message and tried to run with his little story.  I wrote:

"Hi, Great smile :)  So besides a being a sensitive sleeper, what are you looking for in your princess?"

Only an hour or so later, I already had a response!  Excellent I thought when I saw a message in my inbox.  I read:

"someone with a nice set of knockers ;) "

No further comment on signorestud.

Earlier in the week, "fawdar0" first messaged me.  His profile came across as goofy but kind of sweet.  His first message was perfectly fine:

"Hello and Good Morning, how are you today so far? Name is Nick! :) You have a pretty smile btw"

His second message seemed okay:

" [My weekend] was awesome! Beautiful weather and all :) was at cottage n then had a baptism on Sunday! Whatcha do? I'm on construction project manager in interior side of things and you? What nationality are you? Ever had a Greek guy :)) "

I know for some people culture is important and it can be important to date someone of the same culture, or strange for some to date someone of another culture.  I've dated men of different races, nationalities, cultures and said so in my response.  But no, I hadn't dated a Greek guy before.  His next message read:

"never huh well I got a bigg surprise for you :)) "

And that was it!  MAYBE in the context of a conversation, such an innuendo could make sense to me as a method of flirting.  But in this context, it only came off as slimy and stupid.

I guess I could have just written back that I don't like surprises.

Why bother if you're not putting in any effort?

There are many things that either irritate me or baffle me about the men on the dating sites I use (which is one of the reasons I started this blog - to share the ridiculousness).  I'm sure there will be many entries to come along these lines.  But for tonight, here's what's driving me crazy . . .

If you are not putting in any effort, why are you bothering at all?

Some guys put absolutely NOTHING on their profiles.  The site tries to prevent this by forcing you to have a set number of characters written in order for your profile to go up.  People will get around this by just copying and pasting the site's tips for writing a good profile, or just writing ...................................................
............................................................................................................................................................ and other such things to get around this.  Those users I just ignore.

But the ones that really get to me are the ones who make/continue contact with you but do nothing to actually try to have a conversation.  I get that online dating is awkward and it's not like meeting someone in person.  But isn't that all the more reason why you should TRY to get some semblance of a conversation happening?  So that you can learn enough to get off the site and meet someone?

The number of times I get a message from guys that just say "Hi" or "How's it going?" or "Hey beautiful" . . . Okay, great, so you said something to me.  But what do you expect back?  "Hi" or "Good" or "Thanks".  Then what?

A few times for interest's sake, when a guy's photo has been great or there's something in their profile that intrigued me, I've tried to reply to the couple-word messages.  I've tried just responding with a short answer and of course the correspondence went nowhere.  (Really, who has the time or CARES to write back and forth emails that are just sentences at a time?)  And I've tried to move it into a conversation, but they have always seemed unable to write more than a sentence at a time.

When I first make contact, I make a point of always asking at least one question, referring to something they said in their profile, to attempt to actually start a conversation.  This last weekend, there was a man who's profile and photo I really liked.  I sent him the first message.

"Hi,  Your photo caught my eye and I like what you had to say in your profile.  What are you passionate about in your life?"

When I saw in my inbox there was a response I was a little hopeful.  I read:

"Hi that's a great question am passionate about life it self am not sure if that makes any sense"

So, good, he responded and thought it was a good question.  But then he left it completely up to me to continue the conversation.  Fine.  I gave it another try.

"That completely makes sense. I feel the same.  What kind of work are you in? What do you outside of work?"

But all I got back was:

"The car business depends on how i feel and who am with"

By this point I'm just too frustrated to write back.  If it's this much of a struggle to get a conversation going now, how will we ever converse in person?

Maybe I'm too harsh on people attempting to date (which is already awkward and challenging) through a method that is very awkward and very challenging.  But really, it shouldn't be too much to ask that someone puts in effort to find me.

Look At Me and My Dashness of Angelic Looks.

A week ago I got a message from a "OmokshO".  (Side note - What kind of a screen name is that?  What does that mean?)  Whenever I receive a message on the dating site, I first look at the person's photos.  Then I read over their profile.  Then I read the message they sent me.

When I first started with this online dating thing, I remember telling some of my friends how shallow it makes me feel sometimes.  Looking at people's photos and not really considering them unless I find them attractive - when I think about it that makes me feel terrible.  But if we're talking about dating someone and hopefully finding a relationship with them, you've got to be attracted right?

Well, I wasn't attracted to OmokshO based on his photo.

After reading his profile, I had no reason to think differently.  Two immediate deal breakers: his listed intention for being on the site is "Wants To Date But Nothing Serious" and for the want children question he "Does Not Want Children".

There was nothing wrong with the message he sent me.  But considering I'm not attracted to him, nor are we even looking for the same things out of the site, I simply deleted the message.  (Again, sounds kind of rude, but it's the reality of this process.  I get no response from plenty of messages I sent out so it goes both ways.)  I didn't think much else of OmokshO.

Then he messaged me again the next day.

And the day that followed.

And the day after that.

Each time, I simply deleted the message.  But I remember thinking on the 4th day in a row "Wow.  This guy either really doesn't get the message or how he seriously doubts the site's ability to send me his messages."

It was quiet from OmokshO for a couple days.  Then this morning, I got this message:

hey morning,

every time i look at your pictures, it gives me a sense of being grounded. the simplicity, dashness of angelic looks. sweetheart, caring, wearing your heart on the sleeves. 

it gives me a reason to look at you everyday. wish life could be more real than this. 

i wish you all the luck and hope you find what you looking for in life ........ 

god bless !

All I got out of that is that he looks at me every day.  

Seriously?  And this was meant to convince me to have direct contact with you?  Oh dear . . .

Just Not Feeling It.

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half now.  He messaged me first online, we wrote back and forth a bit, then met for a lunch date.  When he walked into the restaurant, I was taken back by how attractive he was.  I thought he was good looking in his photos, but in person, he blew me away!  Over the first couple weeks and first few dates, I really liked him.  So much of his personal history and career gave me a lot of respect for him.

For our third date, I had him over to my place.  I cooked him dinner and we watched a movie on the couch.  I was pretty into this guy and this whole scenario should have been a perfect set up for some making out.  But by the end of that date, he'd still yet to kiss me.

We both work atypical schedules which both made it great because we were understanding of one another's time restrictions, but it also meant that at times we didn't see each other for a week or more.  His family lives out of province and he also goes to stay with them for a few days every couple of weeks which also led to periods of time where we didn't see each other.  During one of those times he was away, we ended up in a very long and quite heavy conversation via text.  (As a side note - I really dislike texting.  I spent many years living abroad and didn't have a phone during that time.  So the whole texting thing doesn't really work for me, but I generally go along with it.)  During this conversation, we both divulged some fairly heavy stuff.  I think this was a mistake.  A conversation like that in person probably would have created a sense of intimacy.  But through texting, it comes out as hard facts that are difficult to take, especially so early on.  Nothing he told me were immediate deal breakers, but they became little things at the back of my mind that made me question things.

After he returned to the city, we saw quite a bit of each other.  But we were always meeting in restaurants, out in public.  At the end of our 5th (!!!) date was when he finally kissed me.  But other than little pecks at the end of our dates, there wasn't anything to build a physical chemistry.  What had started out for me as a great attraction, was seriously fizzling out.

Over the last couple weeks, it was really clear to me that this guy really likes me.  He seems very taken by me, interested in all of the things I do, shows eagerness to learn more about my interests.  He called me every day, often a couple times and texted me in between that.  But it was too much.  I felt like he didn't have much to say and what he did talk about was the same old thing - mundane details of work or the errands he'd ran that day.  I didn't see sparks of passion for interests in his life.  And so all of his calls and texts began to irritate me.

On a purely intellectual level, I can see how we should be a great fit.  On paper, he is everything I'm looking for.  But I've made myself be honest with myself . . . I'm just not feeling it.  I'm lacking an enthusiasm about this guy that by this point, I should have.

So tonight, I ended it.  I called him and I told him while I think very highly of him and like so many things about him. I'm just not feeling as strongly for him as I believe I should be.  He was incredibly kind about it and said wonderful things about me.  In doing so, he underlined to me all the intellectual reasons I know he is great.  But I know deep down, I am right to end it.

I want nothing less than to find the love of my life.  I want to find a partner to share my life with.  And at this point in my life, there is no point in sticking it out with someone who I don't believe is the one I'm going to build a life with.

And so . . . the search continues . . .