Peacocking - Part 2

**Faces have been altered to protect the shameless**

A few weeks ago I wrote about the trend that I have named "Peacocking" - when men feel compelled to take off their shirts, pose in front of their mirror and take self portraits to then put on their dating profiles to attract women.  (Even more odd to me are the ones who are obviously posing topless in a public restroom.  Seriously, who is doing this?)  It reminds me of how a male peacock spreads his feathers to prance in front of the female bird to try to get her attention.  The whole thing makes me confused, often wince and ultimately uncertain of what my reaction is meant to be.

Back in February I went on a date with "orlyporly".  We'd been messaging/texting/talking for a couple of weeks before our date.  I was really nervous for it because I somehow already really liked this guy and we hadn't even met!  Our date was great.  At the end of it, he said that he'd really like to see me again in the week ahead.  I called my girlfriend as soon as I was in the car.  The next day I couldn't stop smiling.  I was giddy!  This guy was great!

In the days that followed our first date, orlyporly became increasingly sexual in his texts to me.  I'm no prude, I can handle some flirtatious innuendo and before our date we had been moderately flirtatious.  But he so quickly had become explicit and I just didn't know what to make of it - considering we hadn't had a first kiss yet, it just seemed to much when he told me how he'd like to make me to ride on his . . . !

But that first date had gone so well!  I thought that maybe he and I just were moving at different paces in our communication.  Perhaps we'd go through an awkward week or so til we had another date and more communication and we'd be more on the same page about how explicit we could be.

Then one afternoon while I'm at work, he's texting me and he's being sexual again.  I feel like that's all he wants to talk about and it's pissing me off.  I change the subject.  He asks me to send him a picture of me he hasn't seen before.  I send one of me all dressed up and looking classy and nice.  Then I tell him it's his turn.

He sent me a photo of him lounged in his living room topless.  He'd actually sent me this photo before.  The first time I saw it, I was actually rather impressed.  But now I was irritated.  I wrote to him that I'd already seen that photo, send something different.

This next photo was of him, wearing a towel slung down low on his hips, while he stood back, staring at the camera giving his best "come hither" look.  Peacock!  There you go!  How does he want me to react to this?

So I made a joke of it.  I wrote, "Do you just have a folder of topless photos?  I don't get it."

He wrote back to me, "Wow.  I love being patronized."

I was a bit taken back.  I hadn't intended to insult him.  I was just teasing.  I thought we were okay with teasing - he'd teased me plenty about being a shorty for example.  So I apologized.

"I didn't mean to be patronizing.  I meant it as light teasing.  I'm sorry if I offended you."


For the next half hour, he didn't respond.  At that time, I decided to write once more.

"I am truly sorry that I have offended you.  It was not my intention and I apologize."


I didn't hear back from orlyporly.

A month or so later, when I was on the dating site, I noticed a little profile shot among the line of profile pics that always line the top of the screen.  I thought it looked like orlyporly - so I clicked on it.  He now had a secondary photo of him posed in track pants, but topless, in front of his mirror, turned sideways and flexing.  I literally looked away from the screen.  Had that photo been on his original profile, I would NEVER have corresponded or gone on a date with him.

I'm looking for a man.  Not a peacock.

I've come across an astounding number of photos recently that I've just had to share.  These are seriously photos taken from actual profiles on the dating site I use.  (Faces have been altered.)

When I look at them, there are so many comments that I could make.  Ultimately, I think the peacocks speak for themselves.

Way Too Much Information

Many people write in their profiles about how they believe that being open and honest is important in a relationship.  Of course it is!  I think so too.  But I also think that complete openness requires a bit of time, a sense of comfort and a level of interest in another person.  Your dating profile is not the place to divulge your dating history.  I think your past is something to be shared after a few dates, as part of a growing sense of intimacy.  It is not a selling factor!  I've recently come across a couple of men who clearly do not get this.

"conklinmonkey2011" sent me a brief message, but his profile did not do anything to intrigue me.

hi my name is [real name] i came to canada 5 years ago to be with my ex who gave birth to my son and stayed with her for 4 years and we decided that we should see other ppl but be active responsible parents in our sons life so i stayed here. i used to trave and build roller coasters from aroun the world now i in stall screens for cineplex oden theathers 
iam not looking for the most gorgious gal in the world it be nice to be treated noce for once looks dont boher me . i help run a charity that helps at risk youth and we teach them a number of things on like set desigh and make up and other things i want to have another kid one day with a great gal and be happy iam unique iam not looking for sex like most of these guys are on here if it happens it happens i just want a cuddle peson and somone i can hold i like every kind of music but jazz well if u intrested to know more contact me and i dont bite lol

I'm glad you don't bite conkinmonkey2011.  You need to something to outweigh your inability to form sentences (I can forgive spelling if he's come to Canada in recent years and I assume English is a second language, but not the near complete lack of punctuation.)

But there are some who have even more to share for a first impression.  Like "dubs12345".

"I am going to be honest here from very first moment guys because I believe in honesty even if it sometimes doesn’t pay off . . . Lots of thinks change in my life since. I am single and leaving in Toronto. That’s correct, I'm new in Toronto. I came here from Europe few months ago. Till then I had a happy life, spouse I share my life with, travel a lot however that change. I split up with my exgirlfriend after 6 years of relation chip. Well, it wasn’t just relation where 2 people see each other few times per week. We used to leave together under one roof for over 6 years which is different. I assume that sometimes isn’t just meant to be and life has some other journeys for us. I become single again for whatever reason. I found it very hard initially and people what did experience similar situation knows what I am talking about. You don’t know what to do with your life, you know nothing, you just count the days, weeks and try to figure out why me, you blame your self, why did happen to me, what have I done wrong etc. Then at the some point you realise that life is still on, and you have to move so I did. I set up new challenges for me. I got that opportunity to come over in Canada for a year /Work&Travel program/. Yes, for a year . . .

Ok, when someone new arrives in Canada or any other new place you have to start from the very beginning. Some people here know what does a mean a new beginning and some people have no idea but that isn’t their faults. You have to start right from the scratch, you have nothing, you have to find the place to live, some work because you need to pay your bills so you can survive, you got to find some friends which is difficult because no one knows you and in my case its even harder due to my busy work schedule, you have to pass your full G licence so you can drive the car etc. It’s been 2 months so far and I did it all apart ……… Btw today is 21 of June for future references lol . . .

What if/? / We find each other and I have to go after my program expires?

Firstly just to clarify few thinks pls. I am not on this site or here in Canada to get married so I can obtain Canadian citizen ship like other people do here. I am happy with my passport lol. Hope I am clear. I don’t need your money because I have that. If you have question what /if? / Then there are other options for me if I want to stay longer. If I stay longer then only because of you /well if we find each other here on this site or somewhere else lol/. If I don’t find you then my next goal is Australia next year . . .


yes, you right, english isnt my native language so pls accept my apology for any gramar mistakes i did lol. i am keep working on my spelling and I will update my profile soon . . . for people who judge me here pls dont do that. you dont know me. i dont do that to you.we are all unique in some way. 

I don’t bite you....."

Oh dubs12345 . . . bless.  You don't need to worry about editting your spelling as much as you need to just edit out the life history!  Reading your profile leaves me feeling more overwhelmed than attracted.  Sorry.

At least he too doesn't bite.

There's No Rest For Success! (at being a jerk)

Last weekend I got a message from "LoveLiveLA".  It just said:

"How sweet???"

That's typically the sort of message that just makes me shake my head, wonder what I'm supposed to do with that and then hit delete.  But this guy's look is totally my type.  I'd seen his profile sometime very recently and had been interested.  But I hadn't responded because honestly I wasn't sure what to say.  Usually I find something that we have in common or something they said in their profile that I find clever that I'll use as a chat starter.  His profile was only a few shorts generic sentences about how he loves his work, enjoys sitting out on a patio and that he likes music, sports, travel and movies.  Then he had (what I'm guessing and hoping is a copied and pasted) LONG essay-like rant that started with "THERE'S NO REST FOR SUCCESS !!!"  I didn't know what to say, so I hadn't written.  But now this very handsome-to-my-liking guy has attempted to start a conversation with me, so I figure, why not.  I wrote back:

"What is? Me or you? :) "

A little cheeky, a little flirty, nothing to really talk about, this I know.  But I still did not think that I remotely set myself up for this response:

"I'm good...I wanna taste you. 69 just let me know. im straight forward and know my type of lady...u look sweet"

Whoa there!  The second full sentence that you write to me is "I wanna taste you"?  This is where I react with a whole lot of head shaking, jaw dropping, complete bafflement.  Instead of just deleting, blocking and pretending this man doesn't exist, I decide to call him out on this.  I replied:


"So this is how you look for a relationship? It's brought you lots of success? Better luck with the next girl!"

 This was after all, a man who's profile had said he was interested in a relationship, wants children and bothered to put up a whole essay about success.

He actually wrote back to me.

"I'm just going with the flow here...*Sorry if I was rude but damn ur beautiful' ~ I apologize take care"

 Not really sure what flow he was going with, but it's not the same one I'm on.  Add another one to the blocked user list.

Craving The Ever Elusive Spark

When talking with some friends about this blog, I've learned that my stories make dating seem horrifying and only nightmare-filled. Ultimately it's that the truly disastrous tales and the most interesting ones to tell, so they're the ones I tell most often.

Dating isn't always a complete disaster. In fact, the actual dates I've been going on are fine. The search can feel like a disaster because you've got to sift through all the boring, creepy, sexual or too-strong men and their messages in order to find the decent men to go on dates with.

In the seven months I've been dating, I've been on probably around 15 or so first dates. Not one has been bad. A couple have been great. It's just that none of them have turned into a relationship.

Last night I went on a first date with "Fullstop". I was even nervous beforehand - a good sign right? Fullstop is a 31 year old media lawyer for a major broadcaster in the city. He is well travelled, well educated and well rounded. He volunteers, he plays sports, he's a classically trained pianist. When we chatted beforehand he seemed friendly, personable and easy going.

We met at a restaurant/bar downtown last night for drinks. Conversation was pretty easy. His sarcasm at times was a little awkward but I went with it - nothing bad or write-off worthy. He seemed interested in my experiences and stories. All in all, a fine date.

But I want more than fine. There was just something missing. Some sort if chemistry that I just can't articulate but you can sense.

At one point as I was looking at him, I thought about how he's a pretty handsome guy but yet I didn't feel drawn to him. I'm not looking to jump into bed with anyone, but shouldn't there be an anticipation of one day I'd really like to just rip someone's clothes off? And shouldn't there be a sense that he too could find me irresistible - even though he's gentleman enough that he's putting off that desire?

When I think of any of the relationships I've had - going even back as far as high school - all but one had some sort of instant attraction (and the one that didn't, there was instant camaraderie that soon changed to attraction). Anyone I've had a relationship with, there was an immediate chemistry that included physical attraction but also had banter, humor and intellectual stimulation.

Sometimes the day after a perfectly fine date (like today) I wonder if I'm being too picky. If my years abroad dating in a different atmosphere has lead me to expect too much instantaneous chemistry. But I don't think so because again, all of my relationships have started that way. And when I talk to friends with long term relationships, most of them had a pretty immediate sense of attraction and chemistry with their partners.

So I'm still searching. Not just for a man to go on a date with, but one who combined with me will make sparks fly.

A First Impression You Can't Take Back

When I get a first message from a new guy I always, in this order: look at their photos, read their profile, read the message they sent.

Back in March, I received a message from "proman33".  He only had one photo on his profile and it was fine - didn't really make a big impression one way or another.  His profile was fairly impressive.  He has a masters degree and works in the medical field.  He listed dance as an interest (as a dancer, I of course liked this).  Above all, he made it clear he's looking for a serious relationship.  His profile headline said "NO GAMES PLEASE, SERIOUS LADIES ONLY" and he said that he "just wants to meet someone that has the same goals and interests".  So, okay, I'm interested to see what this guy had to say to me in his message.

His message said,

"wow you're sexy. i really want to f*ck you right now. no offense intended, just callin' it like it is."

My jaw literally dropped, I was speechless and every other cliche when you're totally thrown off.  Then I was pissed.  This is the message I get from a guy who screams in his profile headline "SERIOUS LADIES ONLY"?  Needless to say, this guy was immediately deleted and then filed into my repertoire of bad online dating stories.

When just recently I saw in my inbox a new message from proman33, I couldn't believe it.  I took a moment to prepare myself for whatever his latest overtly sexual message to me would be.

This time he wrote,

"you're so beautiful and seem really interesting.  i'd like to get to know you better.  hope to hear from you soon."

Um?  What?  proman33, did you forget that you told me you wanted to f*ck me as your first impression?  Apparently!  I'm sorry but that is a first impression that you just can't forget.  And for me, it wasn't a good one.

I made sure to not just delete the message but to block him entirely.  While proman33 makes a good story, he doesn't make a promising dating possibility.

Cancelling Out Your Creativity

Awhile back, I wrote about how I've discovered that people write one introductory message and then use it over and over again.  I know users do this because although I delete a message from my inbox, if the same user messages me again, their previous messages show up along with the new message.

In fairness, the site doesn't save your sent messages for very long, so unless you have a phenomenal memory or keep notes, it is possible that you forget you've messaged someone.  I actually have become rather hesitant to message some users if I know I've viewed their profile before but am uncertain if I actually messaged them.

I've recently gotten second messages from users.  But what has surprised me about these guys is that their original messages appear to have had some semblance of effort put into them.  

Back during the last week of May, "Rohiiitk" wrote,

"Good Afternoon Gorgeous..!
Happy Back 2 Work Mondayzz ... :)
How's your 40c Hot sunshine day coming along beautiful..?
Btw..! You have very beautiful eyes and a splendid smile :)
Any plans for this patio evening!?:)
Ro"

Then more recently, "Rohiiitk" wrote,

"Hey Gorgeous,
Happy Toonie Tuesdayzzz :)
How's your sunshine Tuesday coming along beautiful..?
Btw..! You have very beautiful eyes and a splendid smile :)
Any exciting plans for this patio evening..?;)
Ro"

So it wasn't an exact copy and paste message.  But still close enough.

Meanwhile, back on June 8, "shaneram1" wrote,

"Congratulations !!! You been selected as the most beautiful girl on the this site !!!
Your grand prize is me ! Deal or no deal ??? haha
How is your day so far ?
Take care...."

And then today:

"Congratulations !!! You been selected as the most beautiful girl on the this site !!!
Your grand prize is me ! Deal or no deal ??? haha
How was your weekend ?
Take care..."

They are really cheesy, but there was some effort made.  But any points I could possibly give these guys for their original effort was completely cancelled out by reusing their message again.

In Love With My Profile

Most often, the online dating process is frustrating because of a lack of interest from suitable men or from men who are expressing interest by simply writing "Hi", "How's it going" or "Beautiful".  So I guess I should be grateful for the exceptions to that.  In the last few days, I've gotten messages from two different men who are the extreme opposite.  Based on their messages they are completely enthralled by me simply from my profile.

"tiergarten" sent me this message yesterday:

Hi,

I was in shock when your picture first showed up on my new [dating] page. After reading your profile, I knew I had to get to know you. 

Now, since I think you must be getting lots of messages on here, I am not nearly expecting a reply. 

But I thought you should know that even if only a fraction of what you said is true, the world around you (as far as I'm concerned) is a much better and lovelier place because of someone like you.

[his real name]


"correo07" wrote a few days ago:

hey gorgeous..... i look at photos straight in the eye ball, and got mesmerized like a spell. Your profile, haha...., my instincts tell me you are the one...I already love you before meeting. So i wonder what does it takes to 
be with you?? is is a mountain or sea? well i will cross that....Hit me back and lets get this going.....

Okay, I guess it's nice . . . but really?  In love before meeting?  I want to find love, but I'd like someone to fall in love with me, not just some words on their computer screen.  And I mean, I know I'm a good catch, but I'm human.  Any real relationship would be built on love, knowing the other's flaws.  When I get such strong messages, I feel like I've been put on an impossible pedestal that I just don't want to be on.

Would It Be Faux Pas?

A friend of mine shared this on their Facebook wall.

Would it be completely terrible if I sent it to whodatt1977?

Probably too soon.

You're joking . . . Right ?

A few weeks ago I began messaging with "whodatt1977".  It went through the usual stages of messaging through the dating site, then texting and talking on the phone.  Except that this time it seemed different.

It wasn't until talking with whodatt1977 that I was able to articulate something I've been missing in so many of the men that I've been dating.  I want to be challenged.  I want to be respected, but I want to feel challenged.  From the start, that's what it was like with this guy.  He was opinionated and vocal but respectful.  I felt like my boundaries would be pushed yet he seemed to care about my comfort zone.

There were many things that I admired about whodatt1977.  He's a social worker, working with adults who are both addicts and mentally ill.  He's going back to school in the fall to get his masters to specialize in working with disadvantaged youth.  He used to play semi-professional sports.  While he's very athletic and a total gym nut, he loves music and enjoys going to see musical theatre.

We were looking for the same things: to get out of the dating scene and into a long term relationship.  He'd like to get married and is very open to having kids down the road.  Excellent to know, because when that's what I want in my future, I don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want that.

But above all, I just liked how this guy communicated with me.  I liked that he wasn't pushy while still firm in his views.  He was flirtatious - even explicit at times.  This is how I really knew I was into this guy - I wasn't put off by it!  Because it was in the context of getting to know me and showing genuine interest in me.

We were set to go on a date on a Sunday.  For the first time in months, I was super excited for a date.  I really liked this guy before even meeting him.  He too often said things to me like, "I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I really think we're going to hit it off."  Could this be the guy who would get me off the the dating scene? . . .

The Friday before our date, we were talking and texting all evening.  I was up really late talking with him.  Saturday morning, I was up early to teach a class.  As I was rushing to get out the door, he started messaging me and it's still all great stuff.  We were messaging right until I went into teach and said we'd talk later.  While I teach, I turn my phone into airplane mode.  As soon as my class was done, not even quite an hour later, I turned my phone back on.  It immediately goes off - he's already messaging me which has me smiling.

His message said, "You're not going to believe this.  My ex just told me she's pregnant and it's mine." 

Um . . . what?

I wrote back, "Are you serious?", thinking that perhaps this was just a really off-coloured joke to get me going or test me somehow.

He replied, "Yes.  I am in shock.  We hooked up 1 time in March and now this.  Going over now to figure this out."

I was absolutely floored.  As I drove back home, I was literally laughing out loud but in a I-dont-know-how-to-react kind of way.  I felt like I wanted to cry, but the whole situation was so ridiculous, so shocking and so just absolutely my kind of dating luck . . .

Fighting for Optimism

I've been struggling this week after another dating disappointment.  I'll need a few more days before I can tell the story light-heartedly enough for this blog.

I've had some catch-up chats with a couple of my girlfriends this week who are also single and searching.  Seems it's not just me that is struggling to not let these set-backs and disappointments get to me.  Minor comfort that we're not alone in being alone!

I saw this on a man's profile today and it made me smile:


-------!!!------- Put this on your
-------!!!------- profile if you
---!!!!!!!!!!!--- Know of someone
-------!!!------- That died while
-------!!!------- waiting for their
-------!!!------- perfect match
-------!!!------- online.


I hope it doesn't go that far for me!

Clean My Toilet and Give Me Money!

I've seriously started to worry that by starting this blog I'm asking for bad dating karma to come my way.  To put it bluntly: some crazy sh*t has gone down in the last week.  It'll take a few entries to tell it all.

I have had some strange first messages.  I've also had out-and-out-piss-me-off first messages - like the man last winter who asked if he could pay me to piss on him.  Seriously.  And this was on an online site that is supposed to be for singles who are serious about settling down.

But then there is one that I got this last week and I don't know what to make of it.  Maybe I'm just much more sheltered and close-minded than I thought.

His message simply said:

"I'm looking for something different here on POF but it's totally platonic - I was wondering if you'd be into checking out my profile and letting me know what you think?"

So I checked out his profile.  I've condensed it below:


"What I'm specifically looking for:
Basically it's a variation on the dominatrix thing (google the term "Financial Domination" . . .)  Final FYI: This is all I do; all I've ever done for a relationship - from scrubbing their toilet clean to working and turning the earnings over to them (dependent on degree) - it's a lifestyle choice for me.

Financial servitude definition snipet:

Financial slavery is . . . about wanting to please a Woman, about adoring Her, wanting to spoil Her, make Her life easier, serving Her, without your needs coloring your service . . . Tributes, donations, sacrifices, are a part of showing your devotion, your obedience . . . it completes you to know that your Mistress lives well...

Service Oriented Submission abstract:

Basically being a domestic. Scrubbing their bathroom and cleaning their toilet while they relax and enjoy themselves with their real friends while their servant takes care of the mundane things like that."

Like any woman, I could think - awesome, this guy will give me money and clean my house while I relax!  But there's just something too bizarre about the whole thing to me.  Adding to this is the fact that quite honestly, the guy's photo looks kind of sketchy to begin with - and that was before I read the profile!  We don't even live in the same city, so I'm not sure how he thinks this would work, though I guess if he has money to throw my way he'd find the financial means to get to me!

I do wonder how my profile saying that I'm looking for a serious relationship, want kids and hope to get married someday results in offers like this one.

Peacocking

There is something about online dating that makes men feel the need to take off their shirts and pose in front of their mirror.

When I view profiles on dating sites, there are a few things (specifically when it comes to user's photos) that immediately make me click to something else in my browser.  One of these things are the topless photos or the showing off my muscles in my own mirror photos.

It is truly baffling to me just how many men take these photos.  Sometimes I've corresponded with a man who didn't have a photo like that on their profile, but within the conversation via text they would be sending me photos like that.  I honestly never know how to respond.

It reminds me of a peacock.  The male spreads his feathers and prances around to get the female's attention.  Except it just makes me feel uncomfortable!  What reaction are they looking for from me?

Also, as I was saying to one of my girlfriends the other day, I'm a 31 year old woman.  I have seen naked men before.  I can tell when you are clothed if you have a good body!  So why all the posing?

One user (the first pictured below) wrote in his profile, "If a female can take a self-photo or a mirror photo, then so can a man. It's part of being confident in who you are."  Are women doing this too?  Should I be stripping down and posing in front of my mirror in order to find a husband?  Am I non-confident and unsexy unless I do that?

Below are actual pictures from users on one of the sites where I have a profile.  Faces have been blurred out to protect the shameless.  Enjoy the prancing!