Patronizing and Confusing

I want to share some of the stranger messages that have come through my inbox in the last few days.  Both of these messages were exceptionally long.  I feel a bit bad stating that when usually the problem is that it's not even a message being sent, just a greeting.  I would far prefer a long-winded letter than a "hey" or "what's up".  It's not the length of the messages that was the problem, it's that the contents did nothing to attract me.

"innocent_devill" wrote:

"Heya Smartie Pants! 

I'm taking the time to write you because I think you have something special to offer. Just so you know, you are not reading a copy and paste, and I wanted to get that out of the way. Thing is, I'm sure that a smartie pants such as yourself knows if the man speaking to you brings forth sincerity or not. "

The rest of the message was lost on me because I couldn't get past the double "Smartie Pants" reference.  I don't remember the last time I was called a "Smartie Pants" but I have a feeling it was in grade school and that it was never a term of endearment.  Right now it feels patronizing.

I must share though how "innocent_devill" signed off his letter:

"I hope this letter found you well and I love how you rock your hair girl. "

A sign-off that to me seems like something a "gay best friend" would have said to me in the early 90's.

Yesterday "oncamera" wrote me a long letter.  He basically wrote me a life summary for an opening letter rather than having all that information in his profile.  There was nothing wrote with the bulk of the letter he sent, though nothing peaked my interest either.  Until the end:

"This is my first time on here and be honest you are the first that i write message to; Just wanted to say hi and if u have any Q? you feel free to get back to me and i do my best to answer. You might thing why am up this early is because i was doing editing and trying this out for first time even though i don’t believe in online dating. but its always good to try something new. Hope got make it happen for us to meet and you might become my assistant if u interested. Wish u all the best and God bless."

The terrible grammar speaks for itself, no need to comment there.  But please, let's just re-read the "you might become my assistant if u interested."  Does he want to date me or hire me?  It just confuses me.

The fact that these men wrote such long letters that still are epic failures just leaves me feeling badly for them.